Pacenotes – Alternative Facts

I’ve been copping some grief from my peers lately, who have questioned the veracity of some of my columns.

I was quick to correct them.

“My articles are always factually-based, and when those facts are not immediately available, I will use informed conjecture to flesh out the story for the readers. I may even extrapolate that data to hazard a guess at the future.”

They put their heads together, but still agreed – “You’re making things up.”

I was hurt at the accusation and asked for an example.

“What about the time you reported a meth lab was operating out of one Highlands Park pits?”

“That was 100 per cent based on fact. They found a mysterious white powder in one of the pit garages – if it had been methamphetamine they could’ve drugged up the whole South Island. It was only later on they discovered it was concrete dust from a neighbouring building site.”

They remained unconvinced.

“Look – let me give you an example of where I’ve had to seamlessly embellish a piece to get it to flow better. Back in 1999, I was working in a PR role for the British Karting Association. Most of it was just producing race reports or generating sponsor blurb but occasionally we’d publicise a promising youngster to give their career a boost. I was attending a junior track meet in Bristol and this spectator started chatting to me about getting his son Oliver involved. I agreed it was a great way to get into motorsport, and that the world was your oyster if you had the talent and financial backing.”

“That’s what I’m hoping,” he agreed, “especially as I’ve got another son due in the next couple of weeks.”

“That’s cool – what are you gonna call him?”

“I was thinking something striking, powerful – something that would get him noticed if he’s vying to be an elite racing driver, astronaut or, heaven forbid, a magazine editor.”

“How about something like Apollo? Orion? Maverick?”

“I was actually thinking something along the lines of Han.”

“You mean like Han Solo?”

“Exactly. It conjures up visions of swashbuckling, derring-do, and the pilot of the fastest ship in the galaxy.”

“I’m not sure that’s quite the image you want. Han was a bit of a ratbag, and while he did score a princess, he eventually gets killed by his own son. You definitely don’t want to raise a child with patricide on his mind.”

“Hmm – you’re probably right. Do you have a better suggestion?”

“Look, you’re clearly a Star Wars buff. Why not go for something a little more debonair like Lando Calrissian? Sure he’s a rogue, but he’s smooth, charming and a natural leader. And don’t forget – he was the original owner of the Millennium Falcon so he knows his machinery.”

“Lando, eh? That’s not a bad idea.”

“My pleasure. Do keep in touch as I’d love to keep an eye on how your sons get on over the next few years. We’ll doubtless see you around the tracks some time, Mr…?”

“Norris.” he answered.

I turned back to my companions who had been so cruelly questioning my journalistic integrity.

“So, can you identify where I had to embroider some details to make the facts fit the rest of the narrative?”

“I reckon you’ve made up everything involving the Star Wars names,” opined Peter Louisson.

Editor Kyle Cassidy was even more circumspect. “I’m not sure you ever met Lando Norris’ father. And I can’t remember the karting job ever appearing on your CV.”

I looked a little shamefaced.

“Actually, everything after ‘I’ve been copping some grief’ was made up – but that bit was 100 per cent true.”

This article first appeared in the October 2024 issue of NZ Autocar Magazine.